Know When To Walk Away, and Know When To Run!

August 24^th, 2018.

This date might not mean anything to you, but for me, it was the day my world changed. Over 5 years ago, I drank my final sip of alcohol. This is the longest that I have been sober in my life since the age of 16. 

33+ years of abusing alcohol has taken its toll on me physically, relationally, and mentally. I found out recently that this is apparently an inherited trait, as my father was also an alcoholic. The ironic part of this revelation is that I didn't even grow up with my father. I don't know the man. I couldn't pick him out of a police lineup (ironically, he was part of quite a few of those). When I was in middle school, my mother took me to meet him. I don't think she wanted us to get to know each other. I think she wanted me to see that I wasn't missing out on much not having him be a part of my life. It's funny how we can take inherit the characteristics of relatives that aren't even part of our lives, like twins that are separated at birth can have some of the exact same mannerisms and quirky, unique attributes.

I used to think drinking was funny, and it was the only way I would have any friends. I had the ability to score alcohol almost every weekend, which made me a popular kid on weekends and at most parties. I'd bet that if I wasn't able to get alcohol, none of these people would've ever become my "friend". It's not that I am a bad person, but most people just didn't have a lot in common with me. I "danced to the beat of my own drum". I didn't give into peer pressure, and I didn't conform to societal norms. I liked what I liked, and I didn’t care if anyone else did or not. My concert shirts ranged from Hall and Oates, and Air Supply, to Motley Crue, Ratt, and Iron Maiden.

The friendships that I'd formed in high school were all based on a lie, and once high school ended, I learned that hard lesson. I still had my childhood friends (and I still do today), but, the "friends" I'd found in high school quickly started to fade away. Maybe it was because they all went off to college and I stayed home in Tampa. We didn't really have social media or cellphones back then, so sometimes when a friend disappeared, they were just gone for good. It was silly at the time, but I started to believe that people wouldn't like me if I wasn't buying beer for them, or drinking with them.

I started going to bars at an early age. I honestly always looked a lot older than I was, and if you walked into a bar with confidence back in the 80s and knew what you wanted, 99% of the time, you could get served.

My new "friends" were friends that I'd made at the bar. I played in multiple softball, pool, and dart leagues. I had an excuse to be in a bar nearly every day and night of the week. The end goal was to get drunk every day. After several years, I didn't know who I was anymore. I drank alcohol, and people at the bar liked me.

As many years passed, my alcohol consumption intensified. I would do cheap shots of whatever, and drink until I could barely stand up. Then, I'd get in the car and head home. It was amazing that in 33+ of drinking, I never got pulled over for a DUI/DWI (and no, I'm not cursing myself because I don't drink any longer, so getting a DUI is no longer in the cards for me). I didn't hate who I was, but I thought that anyone who knew the real me wouldn't like me.

I always tell people embarrassing stories of how I would wake up and not realize how I'd gotten home. What's more embarrassing is that these aren't stories from my teenage years, these are stories from just a few years ago, when I had a home, a job, a wife, and 3 kids.

In August 2018, I went to see the Zac Brown Band with my son. There were a lot of people drinking all around us. If you've ever had "lawn" seats at a concert, you know what I'm talking about. It cracks me up that people will pay $100 or more for a concert ticket, and get so drunk beforehand, they don't even see the concert. 

Anyway, you know what happens at these things. Someone has too much to drink, then steps on someone else while dancing around like a drunk idiot, and Wham! a fight breaks out. Repeat 100 times an hour. Near the end of the concert, my son turned to me and said, "You don’t ever have to worry about me drinking, Dad, because if this is what drinking does to you, I don't want anything to do with it."

 

 

  Inner Thought: "My son has seen me drunk 100s of times. Is this what he thinks of me?"

 

 

 

I vowed that night that I would stop drinking so much. Over the next 3 weeks that realization hit home, and I had 3 drinks total. At some point, I realized that I was able to go out in public without consuming alcohol, and still have a good time with my friends. After a night of playing trivia at the bar, I decided on Thursday, August 23^rd, 2018, that I was holding in my hand, the last alcoholic beverage I would ever drink (for those scoring at home, it was a Vodka and Cranberry). The friends that I thought would no longer like me actually turned out to be some of my biggest supporters.

Had I just trusted that people would actually like the real me over 30 years ago, I wouldn't be in the cognitive mess that I am now. I mean, I can't remember anything. Have you ever walked into the next room and forgot why you went into that room in the first place? I experience that literally every time I leave a room, at home, at work, in the car…pretty much anywhere that I have to remember something. I just can't remember anything. I read amazing books, and watch great movies, and can literally watch those movies the next day and not remember what happens. For context, I've watched the TV show "The Office" 14 of 15 times all the way through, and even now, I don't always remember what's going to happen in each episode. Here's the kicker though…I can remember every song lyrics from my childhood in the 70s and 80s, and honestly, most of my adult life. My wife can tell me what she wants for her birthday, and it goes in one ear and out the other. But, I still know "when to hold them, and when to fold them", and that "two out of three ain't bad."

I had hoped that giving up alcohol over 5 years ago would trigger my brain to start recovering but after 5 years, I'm afraid I've done irreparable damage. I think this story is for younger people that still have some hope at a normal life. It's a miracle that after 23 years, my wife and family can still be around me.

I don't really have a clever way to end this story. There is usually a song lyric that comes to mind or some conclusion point that ties it all together. I'll just say this…I don't regret much in my life. I took a weird path to finding love, and having a relationship with God almighty. I probably have as many regrets as the average person. However, if time travel were possible, I'd go back to that one night in 1985, and simply say "no thanks" when my friend offered me my first beer.

This is the end of this story.