When I Find Myself In Times of Trouble, Mother Mary Comes To Me (August 21, 2023)

During my entire life, I have been an extremely guarded person. As a child, I suffered emotional and physical abuse from those that told me they loved me. When you meet me today, it's hard to imagine that I was once a child who was sent home from school because I "smelled bad." I mean, the principal literally pulled me out of class and sent me home to take a bath. I may appear to have a good handle on life these days, but on the inside, I struggle daily with thoughts of that little boy. I battle fears daily that I don't deserve the life I currently have. I'm not worthy of a life so fulfilling. I struggle each and every day with the thoughts that I don't want the world to know the true me, because if they did, they wouldn't like me very much. On the outside, I appear calm, cool, and collected, but on the inside, I am emotionally unbalanced, uncool, and very much a mess.

For the people that I love and trust, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I cry for them. I feel deeply for them. There are very few that see this side of me, but for those that do, you will never have a more loving or supportive friend.

I'm not always well-mannered. I often use colorful language in situations and places that I shouldn't. I'm not the boy next door. I'm the guy your mom prayed you'd never befriend or fall in love with. However, if I believe I can trust you and you become a part of my "inner" circle, you have a friend for life. Someone who will be there for you always. I guess that's why it hurts so much when someone lets me down.

My metaphorical fists are always raised and ready to fight. If you betray me, no matter how insignificantly, I don't blame you, I blame myself because I trusted you. I let my guard down and allowed myself to be vulnerable, only to get punched right in the gut. I've been sucker-punched often, and kicked when I was down too many times to remember. Because of this, I go through life guarded, hoping that no one will ever get to know the real me.

As a child, I believed whole-heartedly that I was a good person. Our family lived in the deepest levels of poverty imaginable. Kids these days shop at Goodwill ironically. For my family, it was all we could afford, and even that was a struggle. We were given used underwear and socks as charity. I'm sure the thought of that makes you cringe, but for me, well, at least I had something to wear to school. After years of struggling with being the primary caregiver for my 4 younger siblings, I stopped going to church at age 8. Over the next several years, I began to denounce anything to do with religion or God. To this day, if you were to ask me why I felt that way, I couldn't even tell you. I was just mad at my circumstances, and I took it out on God. I'm not sure if I was really mad at Him, or if my anger just needed a face.

At age 16, as a junior in high school, I discovered alcohol. Within a year, I was the textbook definition of an alcoholic. I didn't just steal the occasional sip from the bar or refrigerator. I would drink until I could barely function. I went to school drunk. I would stay up all night drinking, and then head to Plant High School at 7am. This pattern of alcohol dependence continued until 5 years ago. That was when a conversation with my son at a Zac Brown concert happened, and it changed my life forever.

It didn't take AA or any other 12-step program for me to realize that I had a real problem. That night was August 3^rd, 2018, and I'm proud to say I have not had a sip of alcohol since then. Unfortunately for me, drinking took me to a place that I learned to exist, and not face the real world problems that were in front of me on a daily basis. I no longer want to drink alcohol, but I do miss that feeling that it gave me. Before I was sober, I didn't feel the need to question everyone's motives. The bottom of a bottle was the safety and protection that I needed to forget my real life was going on around me. Now, I question everything I see, and everyone's intentions. Every person I meet is a suspect in my game of Life. I no longer have the safety net thanks to sobriety.

I rediscovered Christ, and became a Christian in 2015. Since that time, I have allowed people into my life that previously wouldn't have passed my "test". I have been vulnerable and I have shared my struggles with my small group and other church friends. The problem with letting people in, is that they will let you down. They don't always mean to. Sometimes they have the best intentions. That doesn't change the fact that they let you down.

I don't want anyone reading this to think for a minute that I am currently unhappy with my life. I have more than I ever thought I deserved. The part I struggle with is the ancient past that has led me to where I am now. I have so many past hurts that I still struggle with 10, 20, 30, 40, and 50 years later. But then I ask myself, "if I hadn't navigated this hard road to where I am currently, how might my life have looked?" Based on my past, I'd likely have ended up in jail or dead. I spent several years in my 20s hanging out with alcoholics, addicts, thieves, and drug dealers. I'm sure that sounds awful to you. But for me, it was a series of direct encounters that indirectly made me want more for myself. Why did I choose these friendships in my younger years? The truth is, I don't know. I think I was desperate for a community that accepted me as one of their own. Unfortunately, that community consisted of some extremely unsavory people.

But, if I'm being honest, I wouldn't go back and change a thing. Hindsight gives us the vision that we don't have in the moment. But for me, I think God was using me to help them. I brought my brand of "Dudley Do-Right" conscience to some guys that didn't have a conscience to begin with. I think even though I didn't believe in God at the time, that he was using me to influence the behavior of some of the most decent criminals I'd ever met. In the years that I denied God's existence, or doubted His love for me, he was preparing a future life just for me…one that I am very proud to be currently living.

We are tempted to believe that God can't love us because of our past or our mistakes. We allow ourselves to believe that we've made mistakes that even God can't forgive. I'm sure glad that is not the case because if it was, I would not want to be a part of this world right now. I've done hundreds of things in my life that not another living soul knows anything about, but through God's grace, I no longer believe the lie that He doesn't love me. I have real-life examples of times God saved me from myself, even when I didn't know I needed saving.

 

That' grace. That's mercy.